Men and women alike sit around buying these magazines to find out whether or not they should be with (or should be stalking) the person they are already with (or stalking). I’m going to be the only one that tells you the truth: they’re not. Plain and simple. Why would I say such a thing? Because your lame ass came to the internet to find out intimate secrets you should already know from spending elaborate amounts of time with the person in front of you. If you can’t even tap into who, how, what, when, and why they are, you don’t deserve them. Even if you did, they will never be the one to you.

In the rare instance that you might just be a dummy (welcome to Dummie Diaries, by the way) then the rest of this is for you. True love is all about shit:

1. They put up with your shit.

Many of you think it’s cute to be a bitch, a slut, or a spoiled princess. I’m here to tell you that that is false. And I’m not just talking to the women here! Yes, it’s nice that people want you and that you’re attractive, but the world does not revolve around you and it owes you nothing. But then again, I’m not the one who is fucking you, so I’m not obligated to make you feel otherwise.

Take a second look at that person that still makes you feel special, even though you’ve already got two butlers called your parents (whom you still live with). Give props to the one who is willing to let you dominate a conversation to talk about the atrocities of wearing white after labor day. Big ups to the ones who make that gag seem hot while they’re putting it down, when really it’s probably just to get you to shut the hell up about yourself long enough for them to enjoy themselves for a change.

If they’ve been toughing it out for a whole year and they still call to ask how you’re doing (although you never ask about them), it might be time to finally learn about who they are and lock down that mouth so you can be locked down.

2. They put up your shit.

The only one who has to put up your shit is you. If you catch them folding the laundry without being asked, let alone DOING your laundry, they might be a keeper! If they bring in all of your groceries, put them away in a way that you can still find them after they’ve left, AND make you dinner, get it right, keep it tight! They might be the one…of the two of you to have their shit together! Take a page out of your book to put them into it.

3. They love the smell of your shit.

Everyone is going to have a moment when they thought they just had to pee. They calculate how much tissue is on the roll while they’re while they dance their way to the toilet. Ahhh…alas! Relief! Then they look to the right and the roll is empty and their stomach is rumbling. Oh no! That burrito with extra cheese and sour cream is catching up to them- fast! They can’t leave mid deuce and the smell is beginning to become cumbersome. Someone should really open this window.

But what about this tissue issue? We could ask bae, but then this god awful smell will penetrate the recesses of the house, making it impossible to smell anything else. There’s no other choice: we have to call for bae.

Bae opens the door and does the initial, “whoa! Who died?” And you’re like, “you, if you don’t get me some toilet paper and open this window, please.” If they can do it, gently mock you, and STILL want to snuggle later even though they know your ass was just covered in poop, they might be worth keeping around. Or if you can let go of that fart you’ve been holding in, trying to be polite, and you can both laugh about it, it be okay, and move on, this relationship has reached a new plateau!

4. They stick around when shit hits the fan.

You lost your job and now you’re broke. You got into a fight and you admitted that you hate their dog. You don’t get paid for two weeks and you don’t have enough money to get to work now that you’re bills are paid. You’re both politely trying to chew your way through this casserole you under seasoned and then burned.

If you’ve ever had any of these moments, they didn’t all just happen yesterday, and they are still with you, they should be in the running.

5. They help you get out of shit.

You’re at your mom’s house. Everything is going well and you’re getting all the hot juicy gossip about everyone in the family. And then it happens: they want to know who you’re seeing and when you’re giving them grandkids.

You’ve got a couple of ways you could handle this: you can answer the question by telling them you’re seeing someone, how that relationship is going, and your joint views on child rearing. But you’re an idiot, this relationship is clearly not going well enough for this conversation, and you’re obviously not sure what they think about kids and you’d better not ask. So we’re going for door number two: you send a text like, “she’s asking about kids. Call like it’s important.” And just give mom the run around. Be vague and cliche about things she wasn’t even asking while you wait. She secretly thinks you’re on drugs anyway and isn’t that better than having to answer this question right now?

Bae calls. You excuse yourself and live to lie another day. But on the drive home, maybe give bae some thought. If you see this going somewhere serious, you didn’t just met them a week ago, and you’re not borrowing them, consider making this permanent. Hell, they’re going to have to explain the lies to mom next time when they come! Oh… And they’ll need to have an answer to mom’s question on the ready.

6. They think you are the shit.

You just tripped over your own foot and no one was standing next to you to be in your way. They laugh a little, ask if you’re okay, and come give you a full on hug. You fart when you’re nervous and they still want to hold your hand while the smell trails you. You’re sleeping and they take pics of you to put on the background of their phone. Yeah…. Might want to wife that one. This is not gender specific, by the way. Even if for no other reason that to keep an eye on that black mail. They’ve got you by the balls (or boobs) now.

7. Even when you’re a shit, they still want to spend the night.

If you’re an asshole and you know it, it was your fault. And if it was your fault, you’re probably too stubborn to apologize. You’ll definitely need to do this in the morning, but especially if they still climb in bed next to you. And when you realize how important that was, you’ll need to say you’re sorry with your face. Add some tongue for fun. And then lock that down and dial back your asshole tendencies.

8. When you lie, they still listen to your shit.

You’re like, “I have no idea where $50 went from the savings every month for the last year” and they assume you’re saving for the ring instead of tricking out on a stripper or stealing from the joint account to gamble. Or when you’re like, “I was out with Jon last night and…”, but you told them two days ago that Jon was at a conference for a week, and they don’t ask any follow up questions about why Jon was available to you and not Jonetta from your job.

Yep, they might be fucking someone else, fa sho! Fuck, if your lies are that bad, I would be, too! At least give your lies some character! Let your lies think for you about their feelings and help you be less of a dick. Maybe actually call Jon and tell him what you did so he can give you a better story. But honestly, either give them a ring or an Oscar because they winning right now!

And stop it. No, legit. Quit while you think you’re ahead because you’re going to end up being my next “how to not be you (because you’re a dummy)” piece.

And there you have it folks! An even number that falls shy of your expectation of 10, but also proves my point about why you’re never going to work out with this person: you needed 10 reasons instead of the 8 good ones I just gave you. They will never be good enough to you! But I will also add that if you just made any of these scenarios up in your mind- like, you’re applying these situations to what you think you have like the Mya “Fallen” video- put the phone down (or tablet or mouse or wherever) and walk into either your local police station or psychiatric facility because I’m sure what you’re doing isn’t legal!

This is Vijay S, signing off.