I’m not going to lie: I was on my shit this morning. I was in a mood and when I’m in one of my moods, the only thing that turns it around is hardcore, usually angry, misogynistic hip hop. However, in my mind, it’s usually about someone male: my boss at work, the mail carrier running late, the neighbor’s dog, and so on.

Today, it was because I stubbed my toe, so I was mad at the kitchen table for being there. Today’s artist of choice? DMX. What song? You guessed it! “What These Bitches Want”. Because after all, what did the table want? I would say it wasn’t going to see me about something (in the urban communities, this phrase insinuates that a particular individual will not bring forth their issues into a duel setting), but the table already had. So I was licking my wounds through my headphones and rocking my sinister mean mug.

As I was listening, I realized DMX might have been on to something. What did this woman want from him? She knew he had his choice of a plethora of women and that she was just one of the many. He’d made his intentions clear that he was out to do his deeds and move on to the next. But he had to tell this woman, “C’mon, ma! You know I got a wife!” Like, she knew and she still had these grandiose expectations of him getting a divorce and putting her up in his mansion with his dogs and the maintenance crew. But is that realistic?

I had to sit there and think from the female perspective for a minute: when has it ever been this cut and dry? DMX is the exception, not Ja Rule. Sorry, couldn’t resist, lol. Real hip hop heads know what I was doing there, but for the rest of you, I just meant he’s the exception, not the rule. A lot of men out here are selling their women at home short. Maybe their women really are just cheating gold diggers who can’t cook or clean to save a life. Let’s stop bullshitting each other, though:  most times, the main difference between her and his mother is that he’s fucking his girlfriend. Most of them are beasts in the professional world and can suck a dick better than his imaginary expectations. But he’s half ass fucking her because he’s busy fucking this new chick. She’s out here holding it down because he’s so tired after work, she doesn’t think he’s got time to fuck someone else. But this new chick will be a contributing factor to why this man won’t fully commit at home- and she doesn’t even know it.

These men are out here promising gold just for the pearl and he’s got a diamond just waiting to be polished at home. And for what? Because he has to sew as many seeds as possible because he knows it’s only a matter of time before he fucks his own shit up and needs someone else to love him and put up with his shit.

Just for a second, though, let’s pretend this guy is DMX: he’s straight up. Doesn’t take a call unless it’s about some money or a quickie (or his wife). He’s laid out the ground rules and made it clear that the only time you’ll see a white picket fence is if you buy one. You’ll never see or hear from him on holidays because you don’t come to mind in the least, and you know this. So why destroy his marriage because the dick is bomb?

If you’re honest right now, the fact that you’re apart of this conversation says that you ain’t shit, so maybe I expect to much from you. But there is a limit to acceptable “ain’t shitness”- and breaking rules is not in that perimeter. Save your deluded fantasies for your mother when she wants to know why you still don’t have a man. By no means, though, are you to buy into your own lies! You’re fucking it up for the rest of us!

Take a moment- this moment- and think about your role versus your expectations. Ask yourself: what do you really want?! What’s realistic with this guy? And then tell him straight up what you expect. If he goes running for the hills, good riddance. If he stays, hold him to your bar. But keep in mind that if you knew you were dating a married/ taken man from the beginning and you want more, you’re the one who needs to walk away.  Can’t get orange juice from a prune, sweetie.