Let’s talk about it: children born into marriages from affairs. I want to address this because this is personal to me and no other blog talks about what I’m dealing with in a way that helps me through. And I can’t be the only one looking for some salvation from the madness, a friendly hand to pull them from the storm. Today,  I want to be that lifeline because this is a difficult situation.

I want to caution you that I’m writing this as the wife in a very unorthodox situation. Most blogs I’ve had the displeasure of reading (only because who enjoys someone else’s anguish and despair) have either come from LMFTs (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapists), wives who didn’t know, or the mistresses who felt wronged. This is not that. And, because those forums exist, this is not for those people.

The wives in the dark have mostly chosen to leave. Those that stayed chose to either implement the no contact rule- where the man is never allowed to speak to the mistress again- or they forced their spouse to abandon their other children.

The mistresses are not wives,  and tend to take on a selfish perspective. They don’t understand the difficulties that just their mere existence creates for a married couple and their children. If you incorporate the child(ren) from the affair,  how do you explain to the children of the marriage that a baby belongs to daddy and not mommy, but is their sibling? How do you explain infidelity? Who do you tell them this other woman is on the family tree if daddy doesn’t marry her and divorce mommy? Most children understand babies being born in the context of a relationship. How do you tell them dad had a relationship with someone while he’s married to mommy?  What does that do to their ideas about marriage and monogamy? If you keep it secret, how do you explain later the decision to lie to them? What does that do to their trust to find out?

Most blogs written by mistresses never take this conundrum into account. They believe they have rights to the husband because clearly, he was unhappy and sought her out. And he loved her and the baby is symbolic of their love. And that everyone should partake of that love like it’s the 70s or something. But then there are other situations where there are other factors like undiagnosed illnesses- sexual addiction, Bipolar II, Borderline Personality Disorder, and ADHD, to name a few- of which the extramarital sexual relationship was a byproduct  of the symptoms of their disorder. When I broached this topic with my husband’s mistress (yes,  I confronted her, but that’s another story), she told me she was chosen by God to bring life into the world with my husband. She had no regard for the narrative we’d have to tell our children (we have a blended family and she cut me in line to having a baby) about her and this new child. I asked her what God told her that we should tell the kids and she didn’t have an answer. She was mostly concerned about whether or not I would let my husband attend the baby shower.

So this is for my unicorns: The wives who stayed,  accepted the child, and are working to integrate the child from the affair, but have a husband for whom the no contact rule is a little more challenging or non-existent. I’m a little more of an array of colors,  but I consider myself a unicorn nonetheless.  I will start by telling you that I have been with my husband nearly 6 years,  married going on 4, and my husband has ADHD, Bipolar II, and heightened anxiety issues- all of which went undiagnosed most of his life. ADHD was diagnosed just before we found out she was pregnant, Bipolar II diagnosed at the end of last year. It’s been a challenging road, to say the least, and I’m constantly trying to remind myself that this is literally the “sickness” and “worse” part of our vows that I emphatically agreed to. But I’m not entirely a victim: we were separated and he dated her again during that period. I knew about that. But when we decided to work on our marriage and we found out later she was pregnant, I didn’t know my life would get this complicated.

Because I am human,  I proposed leaving her out to dry. She knew that he was married. When we first got married,  they’d had an affair and I tried at that time to set terms with her to keep things clean. But she instead told me God did not intend for multiple people to be in a relationship. To this, I’d pointed out her hypocrisy because she’d already been sleeping with my husband. So to have had that conversation with her, then 2 years later find out she told my husband, despite his ambivalence, she was having the baby regardless and he could just deal with it,  my position was this: while a child is entitled to have a present father,  a child is also primarily entitled to a mother who doesn’t make rash decisions out of emotion.  In the state of California (where we are), fathers are required to pay support based on gross income and a limited accounting of a parent’s day-to-day expenses. Since she felt his money was better than his buy-in, and he was also told I couldn’t be involved, I figured let’s just see how well she coped without our help physically.

But my husband insisted on being there- going to appointments when he could even though he was fresh off graveyard shifts, helping set up the crib, attending the baby shower. It didn’t matter that it hurt my feelings because she’d told her family he was her ex- boyfriend who left her because he didn’t want a baby,  so she expected him to take off his wedding ring to comply with her narrative. In his mind, he owed his unborn child the same access his other two children and my son had to him, if not more because they are an infant born of an affair and he didn’t want them to feel loved any less. His constant attempts to “be a good dad” are slowly driving a rift in our marriage. He has a hard time not feeling that my comments about how he is conducting himself in that situation is hurting me, and feels they are personal attacks on his fatherhood.

I have offered to leave,  and even made efforts to separate, but he continues to assert that he is trying to do the right thing and doesn’t want to be with her. Quite sadly, while I understand his desire to “do anything for his kid” (which we know now is his daughter), he is having a hard time trying to find ways to support her mother (who is clearly struggling and has her own slew of issues) in raising her and demonstrate that he is wholly committed to this family. We still have not told the children and the baby will be a year old in a few months. I also have not met this child because the mistress is trying to save face by controlling the narrative. My husband is trying to keep some peace so as not to trigger a depressive episode or lose access to his daughter. It’s truly been a shit show starring emotional trauma and manipulation. I’m praying for my family and its resiliency every day.

I told her upfront I wanted to be involved. After all, if the laws were not one- sided, she would be my baby, too. What do I mean by that,  you wonder? It’s this: let’s say I had an affair and got pregnant. The law automatically assumes, because I am married, my husband is the father. Now, the other guy can fight for visitation, but the custody would be hard to get because my husband has first right to custody- as he is the father of my household. So him choosing to stay is a piece of cake. However,  legally, this child born into our marriage is just HIS child with HER. He still has right to custody and visitation because neither of them contest that she is his child. But I have no rights. Even though I’d been his wife for 3 years by that point, short of her giving up her rights or me having her declared incompetent with my husband’s backing, there is absolutely nothing I can do.

I have bought things for them. I heard she had hemorrhoids when the baby was born,  so I bought her a donut to sit on. I heard she couldn’t produce enough milk and spent days on end crying and the baby wouldn’t stop crying because she was hungry. I did research and found a line of lactation products (shout out to  Milky Mamas!) and sent her things she might like and she was able to nurse the baby. I buy the baby stuff all the time that I think would be cute. I get to hear all of the stories and look at the pictures and watch her grow from afar. This is not what I want in the least,  but is what it is. My husband is going to therapy and managing his medications and trying to fight through his symptoms to be present. I am trying to be a dutiful wife and support him in his choices.

But maybe you have a healthy husband who was an asshole instead of an unhealthy husband who was an asshole. Honestly, what’s critical to morale, if you stay, is a few things that the blogs don’t tell you:

1. It has to be over between them.

I’m a huge fan of the zero contact policy. She should be going through you and only for emergencies. For visitations,  you or a neutral 3rd party should be handling exchanges. She should be ready and willing to allow the baby to visit in your home. He can never have secret or independent conversations with her again. Been there, done that, didn’t work.

2. You both have to want to make it work.

You can’t “do it for the kids” or your religion. Your spirituality should be a guide through,  not the answer. And your children will see the unhappiness anyway. Staying in a marriage you don’t want sends negative messages to them about marriage and places a burden on them that is unnecessary and unfair. It takes a special kind of person to love a child born of an affair and, if you’re going to do it, you should remember that half of them is half your child from the half of the man you love.

3. You have to be a team.

No one should ever be allowed to divide you again. You should have a clear understanding of rules,  guidelines,  and expectations and boundaries that, if crossed, end everything. You should have something to tell your kids and send a clear,  unified message. Do NOT underestimate the importance of this! Remember: you are setting the tone for how they view love and marriage in the future. Forgiveness is important, some levels of age appropriate honesty are important, too. And most importantly, the mistress has to know that you’re together and sticking it out. There can be no room for ambiguity here and he can never waver on this,  or it makes you look more weak than he’s already portrayed you to be. That hurts the morale of the team and without the team, what are you doing?

Steer clear of nay sayers. This process will be hard enough. Be the PR agent of the family. Issue a joint statement you don’t deviate from- ever! Be cohesive, stick to yourselves if you need to while you heal. And have a trusted friend and/ or therapist for counsel.

4. Be good to yourself!

Even if you were a bad wife, you don’t deserve this. He had the option to leave you and didn’t. And if you’re staying, assuming it’s for the right reasons, you can’t be all bad. This is not going to be an easy road, but I like to think (despite my earlier assertion) that children deserve as much love as they can get in this shitty world. You are stronger than you will ever know. Fewer things are harder in marriage than being subject to people’s criticisms for you working on your marriage. But may blessings be bestowed upon you and your husband for trying!

5. Be good to him,  too!

He’s going to be labeled a lot of things. Some of those may be warranted, but he’s still the love of your life who made a terrible judgment call that cost you pride in your marriage. If you’re staying, he has to know it’s possible to come back from that! He has to have something to fight for. Most men have a need to be needed and he needs to know his matriarch still relies on him to help keep their family together. Just tell him what you need:  time, space, intimacy,  therapy- but be specific! Quantification is important, here,  for sure. Is it days, weeks,  or years? Can it be truly worked out? What do you need to feel secure and reestablish trust? Communication going forward is going to be crucial as well. Over are the days of passivity and ignorance. Be direct, be clear, but be fair.

I hope to have helped someone, even though I’m still learning and growing and working through it. Feel free to tell me in the comments how you’re fairing in your situation and things that are working (or not working) for you so I may learn, too!

Never fear: you’re not alone! Dummiediaries was initiated by a Dummie out to help others learn not to be.

With Love…