I think the hardest thing about doing the right thing is doing it even when it’s the right thing to do- choosing the right thing above all else. I have conversations with my kids all the time about choices and consent. I explain to them primarily that life is all about choice and that no one should force you to do anything you don’t choose. But I also explain that every choice comes with a consequence- positive or negative. That whatever they choose, they have to be willing to live with those consequences because some of them can’t be undone.

My husband and I have had numerous realistic conversations about love and marriage and I have explained to him that I believe love is also a choice. Just like putting both your two feet on the ground in the morning, whether or not you pour that cup of coffee, and which route you take to work are all choices, so is everything about being in love with someone. Whether you storm out of the house or talk it out; whether you spend quality time outdoors or snuggle for a movie in the house; whether or not you’re going to sleep with that person at your job- they’re all choices you make in love every day. These things are not always easy to decide on, but they are examples of choices people make every single day.

So when we’re having a really hard day that feels like we want to just give up and throw it all away, we step back, take a breath, and tell each other, “I choose you.” And sometimes we sit in the middle of the fray, look around, and hold hands- in disbelief that we broke all this shit. Sometimes, our eyes are sopping wet with tears because we just spent 2 weeks apart and realized we don’t want to be without each other. Again, it’s not always this glamorous or clean or sweet. I have chosen him when I’ve had that hot guy in the crosswalk offer to take me for coffee- even though I’m holding one. I’ve chosen him in the middle of a screaming match when I’ve wanted to tell him to get the fuck out of my (our) house (home), but instead I’ve screamed, “I choose you, fuck face!”

Imagine choosing someone and them partially choosing you because wholly choosing you gives them anxiety. But anxiety is one of the many debilitating things they fight with every day. And not choosing you would mean the end of their very existence, but admitting they choose you causes them fear that you may not choose them, so only taking a partial risk seems easier to muster. How do you handle that? If you leave, you’ve validated their paranoia. If you stay, you are likely providing the habitat to the breeding ground of your own. It’s a difficult road to tow and comes with its own set of challenges that you have to be strong enough to make choices to get through. And whatever you choose, you must be willing and able to live with the outcome.

Today, I’m having a hard time because I have chosen someone who, today, does not choose me. And I either have to wait for them to end up in that space or choose myself and walk away. But my consequences keep me spinning the wheel and dripping from the little water bottle in the cage- I’m not sure I can live with that. But I’m also not entirely sure that my fears about those consequences were not born in the construct of the cage I’ve become accustomed to.