You ever have a great moment and randomly start crying? And you’re trying to figure out where the fuck it’s coming from- ’cause it’s not raining, you haven’t stubbed your last 2 toes, and (in your Trey Songz voice) deep down, you’re still a G? I was having one of those moments a minute ago. Here’s the story:

I have a handsome, comedic 10 year old son. Everyone thinks their kids are brilliant and that’s not always true, but mine is, lol. Anyway, I just noticed a week ago that he was musty. And my husband, his stepfather (yaaas, hunty! It’s BEEN stepdaddy season for nearly 7 years), had asked him to take a shower and gave him a brand new deodorant. Ok, boom. So this brilliant kid comes out with wet hair, smelling like deodorant, and in his clean clothes. I help him moisturize and pic his ‘fro and we go on with life. But later in the day, he smells like must and deodorant. And I’m confused: towel is damp, wash cloth wet, clothes changed, hair wet… and I notice his skin is still dry. So he figured out how to fake take a shower. It’s been going on all week and I’ve been wanting to have a Beyonce “Ring The Alarm” moment about this shower!

Tonight, it was SO bad, I walked through the living room to grab pizza I ordered and almost needed someone to start drafting my eulogy! I was infuriated! So I’m sitting there on the internet (because as we know, that’s where some of the solutions to our issues are. Hell, that’s likely how you wound up here) trying to figure out how to get this child to take a shower and it hits me: me and the internet keep talking about showers, but he’s 10. Maybe he’ll still take a bath?

So I didn’t ask him. I just cleaned the tub out hella well and started filling it with stuff: bubbles, lavendar epson salt, coconut oil bath wash. I sprayed in the bathroom so it didn’t smell like the pee he just took, lol. It smelled like pines or something because I used my husband’s smoke spray. And he came in asking what I was up to. I told him running a bath. He nodded and said, “enjoy your bath!” And I said, “this one is yours.” And his eyes lit up with excitement.

I brought out candles and let him pick toys. He let me pick out his PJs and he was super stoked. Took his whole toy car collection! So now I know he wants to take baths at night, and I have to make them like how I make mine. I’ve been so happy listening to him splash around in there that I started to cry like a little baby.

But like I said, “I’m a boss! What it costs? I got $5…” And I’m analyzing my own shit now and that dawns on me, too: I can’t remember the last win I had like that. Don’t get me wrong: it’s been great working from home during this quarantine, but it’s also made my issues with my husband’s former mistress more problematic. And my ex (son’s father) has been over the top with shenanigans. And my writing has been at a stale mate. And my mom was hospitalized for the last 3 months (non-covid related) and I was carrying that. And my best friend finally has her shit together enough to have her second baby, but I’m too busy getting skipped because of hoe bitches that don’t swallow. It’s just… amazing to me that I have been keeping my shit together this long without fucking some shit up!

Maybe some of the problem is I’m getting to a point where I’m willing to acknowledge that I’m a good person who has not historically reaped the benefits of being a good person and its tiring. Or perhaps I’m so busy looking at the ground, I’ve yet to acknowledge the sky. But definitely, it’s time for my son to get out the tub. I could use a glass of Dr. Pepper (we’re low in wine tonight) and a bath for myself to celebrate ME for a change. My birthday is next week and I’m grateful to see another year, yet I’m also terrified of having gone through another year without actualizing my own dreams. And I’m worried that my day will just be yet another day because of quarantine.

I don’t know- maybe I’m just being irrational because I’m getting old. But I got my living room to stop smelling like the swamp monster lives in it tonight! And I’m about to take Aziz Ansari’s advice from Parks and Rec: “Treat Yo’self!”. Even if it’s just to a free bath (since I paid my water bill) and a free shampooing (no guarantees on blow drying in this midnight hour) and stand on my porch holding my imaginary ‘nads- like a muthafuckin’ boss!

Small step for mankind is a big feat for me right now. And I’ll take it!